Just a little while ago, I received a bizzare offer to renew a Long-Dead Romantic Involvement.
I immediately politely declined.
Aside from the lack of any more feelings of eros, I was bewildered that said person who had not met me for almost a decade suddenly wanted to renew our non-relationship in the first place. Our contact in this time had been sparse and brief, all via electronic mail. I could have grown tentacles or migrated to the ends of the world for all of what this person knew.
Anyhow, my refusal should have been the end of it, but said party sent a follow-up, demanding a reason for my refusal.
Taken aback (which part of no wasn’t clear enough?), I solicited friends for advice on the proper response and received an array of capricious yet delightful advice, granting me further insights into the different personas of my motley crew of friends.
Best of the Best
NT: You must never use the word, “Sorry” in your reply, it puts the power back in their hands! (Analytic Breakdown)
PSY: You should reply, “What do you mean?” (Passive-Aggressive)
Chibi Tako: Ignore it. (Repudiate)
Rock Dolly: BREAK THE EGO. (Nullify)
Ditzy: So will you be moving or will it be the other party? (Outlandish)
Alien: I think you’re taking this too seriously. (Android)
What would I do without them?
During lunch before class, I was lamenting to Chibi Tako and Rock Dolly about my latest failed endeavor to the local blood center:
Me: I’ve given up and started on those iron pills because I failed the iron count test again…
Chibi Tako: Oh, that’s not a problem for me. My iron’s really high right now.
Me: Wow, really? I thought you would have the same problem as me… It’s getting really annoying to keep failing to make the grade…
Chibi Tako: Yeah, well lately, I’ve been having a lot of the KFC Double Down, MacDonald chicken bites and all these snacks…
Me: Erm… While I’m not altogether sure if your iron count is high, but I’m pretty sure your cholesterol level is.
Rock Dolly: *flailing on the side* I CAN’T BREATHE, DYING OF LAUGHTER NOW. BRB.*
*exaggerated for comic dramatic effect.
Over coffee with some of the gals:
Me: I’ve always wondered; how do vampires process the blood they suck? I mean in this day and age, although they are technically dead, they could get STDs or HIV right? Will it affect them?
Juju: That’s why in the past, all these creatures of the night went for the virgins. Not this whole new fanged notion of bite anyone. That could be a practical reason for the whole “pure and chaste” concept.
Me: Hmmm… That makes sense…
Alien: *suddenly* But teenagers these days can have high blood pressure too!
On Monday, Chibi Tako took a day off and the both of us went shopping for her elusive shoes. After catching sight of a Abercrombie & Fitch advertisment that was basically a half naked torso of a well-built male, I started to muse aloud on the upper body differences between men and women.
The conversation continued as we walked through an air-conditioned shopping mall.
Me: Why do you think men are so into breasts? I mean females enjoy looking at a nice chest too , but it’s not like we find it as erotic as they do. Do you think it’s just a visual simulation issue?
Chibi Tako: Well… You know they say…
Me: Eh? What do they say?
(Chibi Tako raised both her hands, forming a cupping gesture.)
Chibi Tako: To hold and to cherish…
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PUT DOWN YOUR HANDS!